Don One: Message in a Bottle

The Don lets an amigo tell you how to hold your drink and stay on the level with the chicas.

To begin, we must first identify the basic levels of drinking. Alcohol consumption can be classified into four different levels:

Moderate or Casual

The level that conservative society readily accepts. At this level, the drinker will consume two to five drinks after a stressful day at work or as a nightcap (one drink is equivalent to one bottle of beer or one shot of an 80 proof spirit). Drinkers at this level seldom indulge more than four days a week.

Party Level

This level is usually achieved on special occasions like birthdays, getting a new job, getting a promotion or hoping to get lucky with that gyrating Argentinian model. The M.R.C. (minimum required consumption) is about eight drinks, more is welcome of course.

“Party Hard” Level

At this level, the drinker is not afraid to mix hard spirits and beer. Most of us have gone through this stage in college but only the strong (or insanely reckless) will have the endurance to keep at it years after. A classic “party hard” drinking night goes something like: three beers in the first hour followed by about two shots of tequila, a strong beer or two, some more tequilas or vodka tonics, then finish it off with two strong beers or four to five regular ones. You may substitute the vodka and tequila with gin, whiskey or other spirits (but please, not wine). But to each his own. A warning though, some drinkers may have the physical ability to drink at this level but lack the emotional, even mental, stability to tolerate such massive alcoholic attacks.

Rockstar level

The last, but certainly not the least, level of alcohol consumption. Drinkers at this level defy many physical laws of science. This level is very difficult to explain in mere words thus this set of questions to help you visualize this class.

If you answer si to most of these questions, you just might be drinking at a rockstar’s pace.

Now, let’s look at the world through the bottle. We tend to feel invincible when we are under the influence. It is always wise to have a good set of drinking buddies to keep your feet on the ground when the cerveza takes over your sanity.

Sex and the Bottle

You might ask: Can alcohol enhance the ability to pick up chicks?

I will not tell you a lie and be all righteous, as a friend to the Don—how can I? But the answer of course is yes. A healthy level of confianza is the key to a good first impression. And there is no shame in “borrowing” some confidence from a botella of vino. It also helps if your prospective mujer is having a few drinks herself. The few drinks you share can systematically dismantle the walls of inhibition, thus building the foundation for a beautiful evening at least. But no matter how imbibed you get, por favor remember to put some protection on. Better safe than pregnant, don’t you think? Alcohol is a potentially dangerous distraction, mind you Uncontrolled levels of consumption can seriously impair your vision and motor skills, thus accounting for the familiar morning after, when you wake up beside someone who looks like she just escaped from the zoo. If this happens, crack open the strongest drink you’ve got and practice your right to remain silent and hope that there were no witnesses.

Our objective in a night’s drinking spree is to squeeze out as much juvenile fun as we can within the limits of the law. I know it doesn’t sound like a fiesta, but a night in a detention cell isn’t too pretty either—believe me!! So my amigos, drink up, be merry but please stay safe.